More often than not, I get so caught up in trying to make things work -- in life, in writing -- that I forget to slow down, take a breath, and recognize what's happening around me. I get swept up in the chaos of more more more, hurry hurry hurry that I don't realize that while I'm forging forward toward something else, I'm missing moments now.
Cue lightbulb moment number one: The present is important. When it feels like my exhaustion is permanent, and that the stress and work is nonstop, I have to remind myself to tap the brakes. Don't rush through things; sit in the moment. Acclimate to it (even if it's uncomfortable).
Cue lightbulb moment number two: Surviving isn't enough for me. When my anxiety gets bad, which it has been for the past week and a half, I have to remember to seek out things I love. It's extra energy and effort, but happiness is worth it. Surviving the day isn't the ultimate goal, though sometimes that's all I can focus on. I want to find something significant to smile about. Usually, I find it in a book, or in my writing.
And, speaking of writing, let's talk about that a little more. Because I've mentioned it a thousand times already, but it's worth reiterating again and again until I start to fully practice what I preach. I love writing, and even if I get only enough time to write a chapter, my time feels well spent. I feel fulfilled. But writing is hard, so sometimes on my days off I forget to sit down and chip away at my current work in progress because when things aren't clicking, I flounder. But when it goes right...
My 24th birthday was this past Sunday. I spent the day doing only things I wanted to do. Namely: surrounded by pretty things (candles and flowers) relaxing, eating good food (see example of chocolate-covered gluten free pretzels below), spending time with family, and watching my favorite movies (Rear Window, Elf). It may sound boring, but for me it was perfect.
As with each birthday, I also took a few moments to look back at the last year and assess. What did I do that I loved? What can be improved on for the next year? Where do I want to be at 25?
This year, much like last year, was filled with change. I'd moved apartments two more times. I started a new job, got promoted, got promoted again. I made new friends who are wholly different from me and also still very much the same. I went on more trips than I have any other year of my life -- with friends, on planes, to cities and beaches. For the first time, I saw the sun set over the water instead of experiencing a sunrise (west coast beach, and all).
At 24, I think I've learned a lot. I've learned enough to know that I know very little, and that I have a lot of growing and learning still to do. But more and more, I'm finding my confidence in what I want versus what I do not want. That being said, I wanted to share my list of 24 things I believe. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you wont. Maybe next year, I'll have changed my mind. That's something I'm learning to: changing your mind about something isn't a failure; it shows you've learned something new. Growth! Remember me mentioning that a few times here?
As with each birthday, I also took a few moments to look back at the last year and assess. What did I do that I loved? What can be improved on for the next year? Where do I want to be at 25?
This year, much like last year, was filled with change. I'd moved apartments two more times. I started a new job, got promoted, got promoted again. I made new friends who are wholly different from me and also still very much the same. I went on more trips than I have any other year of my life -- with friends, on planes, to cities and beaches. For the first time, I saw the sun set over the water instead of experiencing a sunrise (west coast beach, and all).
At 24, I think I've learned a lot. I've learned enough to know that I know very little, and that I have a lot of growing and learning still to do. But more and more, I'm finding my confidence in what I want versus what I do not want. That being said, I wanted to share my list of 24 things I believe. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you wont. Maybe next year, I'll have changed my mind. That's something I'm learning to: changing your mind about something isn't a failure; it shows you've learned something new. Growth! Remember me mentioning that a few times here?
Slow and steady. That's been my writing motto lately. Trying to force it on days when I'm too tired to write, or not feeling any sort of motivation to create something halfway decent, is (obviously) not working. And moreover, it's frustrating. I hate not being able to do something well, which often stops me from even trying. When it comes to writing, that just won't do.
First drafts are rough. Period, end of sentence, no argument necessary. There's not "unless" or "but" to follow that up with. I know first drafts are rough, both in the writing and the process. It's sloppy and painful. When I'm ready to write, I love it. Embrace the mess! But because I've been having a stress-fest lately (woo, fun!), it's stopped being fun, which is something I will never let happen to my writing. I love writing, and I don't want to let anything take that joy away from me.
Life obligations beckon, though, and -- as I've said a thousand times on this blog -- it's becoming harder for me to find time to write. So I'm letting go of the burden of expectations when it comes to this novel I'm writing. T.M.o.D will be done when it is done. I will chip away at it until I am satisfied. Until it makes me happy.
That being said, it will get done. I'm not giving up on this book, even if it takes me years to write. I have to come to accept the fact that I do not write as fast as I used to because I am working full time to support myself. I have to accept that the way I write is different. I am different. My process, my work, will reflect that. One part of my process I do not want to let go of, though, is accountability. While I will write at the pace I find comfortable, I do want the world to remember that I am writing a book. That it is something that will happen. You'll be that voice in the back of my mind that quietly asks, "Hey, have anything new to share?" So let me share something! Again! Because accountability!
Here's a snippet (once more, unrevised) from chapter 2 of T.M.o.D. And while you're at it, you may as well peruse the inspiration board for the book.
First drafts are rough. Period, end of sentence, no argument necessary. There's not "unless" or "but" to follow that up with. I know first drafts are rough, both in the writing and the process. It's sloppy and painful. When I'm ready to write, I love it. Embrace the mess! But because I've been having a stress-fest lately (woo, fun!), it's stopped being fun, which is something I will never let happen to my writing. I love writing, and I don't want to let anything take that joy away from me.
Life obligations beckon, though, and -- as I've said a thousand times on this blog -- it's becoming harder for me to find time to write. So I'm letting go of the burden of expectations when it comes to this novel I'm writing. T.M.o.D will be done when it is done. I will chip away at it until I am satisfied. Until it makes me happy.
That being said, it will get done. I'm not giving up on this book, even if it takes me years to write. I have to come to accept the fact that I do not write as fast as I used to because I am working full time to support myself. I have to accept that the way I write is different. I am different. My process, my work, will reflect that. One part of my process I do not want to let go of, though, is accountability. While I will write at the pace I find comfortable, I do want the world to remember that I am writing a book. That it is something that will happen. You'll be that voice in the back of my mind that quietly asks, "Hey, have anything new to share?" So let me share something! Again! Because accountability!
Here's a snippet (once more, unrevised) from chapter 2 of T.M.o.D. And while you're at it, you may as well peruse the inspiration board for the book.
My relationship with food has always been a difficult one. As a child, I was picky beyond belief. If given the choice, I would have had the same dinner every night: chicken, rice, and corn. Every now and then, maybe I'd switch it up with some mac and cheese, or chicken nuggets instead of regular baked chicken (plain, mind you).
When I got older, things became more complicated. At fifteen, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which in a way may explain why I was always deferring back to plain, unseasoned meals as a child. Apparently, everything I was eating was making me sick. No wonder I was falling behind on that little pink growth scale my pediatrician always showed me. It was difficult to gain weight because the food I was digesting was slowly poisoning my system, and the longer it went on, the worse it got.
Suddenly, anything with gluten was off the table. Literally. No wheat, no flour, no barely, no malt. Do you know how many things have gluten in them? A lot. Do you know how much I suddenly wished I could have a regular sandwich, slice of pizza, piece of cake? And then when I got to thinking about all the food I had never tried before, and now would not get the chance to try, I started to really hate that I wasn't a more adventurous eater at a younger age. Now, when we go out to eat, I have to stick to things like salads or fruit mixes which, don't get me wrong, are delicious but not exactly exciting. Or filling. A beautiful snack, but not a satisfying breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Hence, I eat home. A lot.
Here's the thing about food allergies: they're usually pretty serious. If I had gone undiagnosed, I would have had a majorly increased risk of cancer, along with other potentially fatal health problems. It's great that gluten free is now becoming more main stream (yay for better, tastier options than they had back in 2006!), but unfortunately not everyone understands that eating GF is not only a trend. For me, it's essential if I want to live a somewhat normal life. If I don't, I'm incredibly sick for a substantial amount of time. Even the smallest amount -- say, if my "safe" pizza was cooked on the same pan as your regular pizza -- will keep me down for weeks.
Something particularly frustrating with having Celiac Disease is that I know I will never truly get better. Like my anxiety, this is something I will have to learn to live with and manage. Managing it, though, is proving to be difficult, especially when I'm attempting to live on a budget. Buying gluten free is more expensive, and often the packages of food are smaller than non-gluten free options. Beyond the financial annoyances is something more significant: it's still affecting my health.
When I got older, things became more complicated. At fifteen, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which in a way may explain why I was always deferring back to plain, unseasoned meals as a child. Apparently, everything I was eating was making me sick. No wonder I was falling behind on that little pink growth scale my pediatrician always showed me. It was difficult to gain weight because the food I was digesting was slowly poisoning my system, and the longer it went on, the worse it got.
Suddenly, anything with gluten was off the table. Literally. No wheat, no flour, no barely, no malt. Do you know how many things have gluten in them? A lot. Do you know how much I suddenly wished I could have a regular sandwich, slice of pizza, piece of cake? And then when I got to thinking about all the food I had never tried before, and now would not get the chance to try, I started to really hate that I wasn't a more adventurous eater at a younger age. Now, when we go out to eat, I have to stick to things like salads or fruit mixes which, don't get me wrong, are delicious but not exactly exciting. Or filling. A beautiful snack, but not a satisfying breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Hence, I eat home. A lot.
Here's the thing about food allergies: they're usually pretty serious. If I had gone undiagnosed, I would have had a majorly increased risk of cancer, along with other potentially fatal health problems. It's great that gluten free is now becoming more main stream (yay for better, tastier options than they had back in 2006!), but unfortunately not everyone understands that eating GF is not only a trend. For me, it's essential if I want to live a somewhat normal life. If I don't, I'm incredibly sick for a substantial amount of time. Even the smallest amount -- say, if my "safe" pizza was cooked on the same pan as your regular pizza -- will keep me down for weeks.
Something particularly frustrating with having Celiac Disease is that I know I will never truly get better. Like my anxiety, this is something I will have to learn to live with and manage. Managing it, though, is proving to be difficult, especially when I'm attempting to live on a budget. Buying gluten free is more expensive, and often the packages of food are smaller than non-gluten free options. Beyond the financial annoyances is something more significant: it's still affecting my health.
Here are some more of my favorite pictures from my short weekend trip to New York where I got to see the sights and smell the smells. I'm working to remember to take out my camera more, but sometimes I get so excited I completely forget I even have it on me. Like I said. Working on it.
If you haven't already, make sure to read my post all about Hamilton and how jaw-droppingly impressive it was.
If you haven't already, make sure to read my post all about Hamilton and how jaw-droppingly impressive it was.
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