Chapter 24

My 24th birthday was this past Sunday. I spent the day doing only things I wanted to do. Namely: surrounded by pretty things (candles and flowers) relaxing, eating good food (see example of chocolate-covered gluten free pretzels below), spending time with family, and watching my favorite movies (Rear Window, Elf). It may sound boring, but for me it was perfect.

As with each birthday, I also took a few moments to look back at the last year and assess. What did I do that I loved? What can be improved on for the next year? Where do I want to be at 25?

This year, much like last year, was filled with change. I'd moved apartments two more times. I started a new job, got promoted, got promoted again. I made new friends who are wholly different from me and also still very much the same. I went on more trips than I have any other year of my life -- with friends, on planes, to cities and beaches. For the first time, I saw the sun set over the water instead of experiencing a sunrise (west coast beach, and all).

At 24, I think I've learned a lot. I've learned enough to know that I know very little, and that I have a lot of growing and learning still to do. But more and more, I'm finding my confidence in what I want versus what I do not want. That being said, I wanted to share my list of 24 things I believe. Maybe you'll agree, maybe you wont. Maybe next year, I'll have changed my mind. That's something I'm learning to: changing your mind about something isn't a failure; it shows you've learned something new. Growth! Remember me mentioning that a few times here?

What I talk about when I talk about love

I'm sick of flowery metaphors of butterflies trapped in a stomach, and fuzzy feelings in the brain. I hate the idea of feelings of anxiety and attraction competing for attention. The idea of love being a struggle -- being a constant uphill battle -- is not only exhausting, it's frustrating.

Love doesn't have to be hard. (I'd argue it shouldn't be, but more on that later.) Love should be coming home and feeling at peace. It should be like taking a really deep breath of cool, crisp air. Attraction and affection shouldn't have to be laced with nerves or stress; let's start romanticizing the ease of being with another instead of the challenges we face when we choose to stay with someone else.

To be clear, I'm not here touting some bullshit that relationships don't take work. They do, obviously. But if it becomes a daily thing, a thing that hangs above your head or weighs down your shoulder -- if it becomes more work or brings more turmoil than it does peace or happiness -- then let's reconsider. Is that love? Or is it something else: staying together with someone because a) it's easier to be together than to put an end to things and move on, b) you're in love with the idea of being in love, and even if that means settling for this Sisyphus-esque romance so be it, or c) you're afraid to be alone.

In all honesty, I think one of my greatest fears is being alone. Not necessarily with regard to relationships, but just in general. On nights when I'm up so late that it's ridiculous to call it "night" anymore, I'm worrying about being completely alone. Forever. If my family were gone, if my friends had left, if I had no one but myself, what then? I'm working on that fear, and every day I'm more okay with it. I'm great at being alone, but I still have days where I struggle with loneliness.

But you know what scares me even more than being alone? Seeing those I care for settle for something or someone that is draining them, wearing them down until they become someone I don't recognize anymore. That whole "we accept the love we think we deserve" thing from Perks of Being a Wallflower rings especially true in those moments, and I never know what to do. I hold myself back from overstepping my bounds to shake them out of that stupor of going through their life, day in and day out, thinking they're happy because they're ignoring the little thorns of upset. But those thorns, when you're not paying attention, start to collect. It turns into a bramble and though there may still be a rose in there somewhere...is it worth it?

Love isn't:

• Emotionally exhausting
• Dramatic or selfish
• Isolating
• Compromising yourself for them

Love is:

• Warm comfort and sudden peace
• Support and sacrifice
• Acceptance
• Mutual compromise

I'm done with listening to those poems where fluttery nerves and a nauseated stomach is a sign of love. When you're with the right person, it should feel different. What I talk about when I talk about love is this...

Standing in front of an ocean on an empty beach. The wind is high and the clouds skitter quickly across the sky. The sand is cold under your feet, and as you stare out across the water toward the horizon, the overcast sky starts to appear as if it's a part of the ocean itself. The blues and grays all blur together until the sky is the water and the water is the sky. You feel so small and so big all at once -- important and utterly insignificant. 

Your breath comes easy in the salty air, and when there's someone next to you (to lean on, to take your hand), all of the weight you carry on your shoulder lifts. The buzzing in your head silences. The nerves in your stomach subside. There may be rough waters, but the waves pass, and through it all there's still that undercurrent of peace. You are at home, no matter where you are, and there's so much ahead, but you're not the least bit scared.

What do you talk about when you talk about love?

Photo credit: skyrim

Apathy is hella lame

I have a quick question that's been nagging me for, well, forever: When did it become cool not to care? Look, I understand that on some level, the whole aloof thing can seem interesting at first. It adds a dash of mystery to your persona where people wonder what you're actually interested in because you seem indifferent. Maybe that then makes people believe you're moody, a dark and brooding artist who has such dispassion in the world because you were hurt. 

Okay, let's not get overly dramatic here. Surely that gets old to play up, because that behavior definitely is tiresome for me to put up with. There's only so long I can deal with someone who's apathetic about everything before I feel the violent urge to shake them out of their stupor of half-shrugs. Do you care about anything?! Or is "meh" the sum of your personality, because if that's the case, yawn. Really though...like...why is that attractive? Why is a lack of enthusiasm something people are into?

In my opinion, there is nothing more admirable or attractive than passion. I love seeing someone talk about something they are enthusiastic about, no matter what that is. The fire in their eyes and the conviction in their voice when they speak on a topic that they care about, that really means something to them, is contagious, and I quickly find myself getting caught up in their fervor. God I love that!

When I meet people who don't care about anything and seem universally unimpressed, I'm always struck with a certain kind of sadness. Do they know what they are missing out on by being actively indifferent to the world? It's a self-imposed depression of sorts -- when you chose this muted version of life where you keep everything at an arm's length. Why? Because it's fun to not care? HOW IS THAT FUN? Again, it is a completely different thing to be in a mental space where you are unable to engage with the world in the way that you want to; depression (or other mental illnesses along those lines) is not a choice, and it is not fun. Not being able to have enthusiasm is a horse of a different color. But when you chose to be apathetic toward things because you're, what, trying to be cool? Not cool, brother. That's hella lame.

I'm a loud, passionate person about things I care about. "Outspoken" is a very appropriate word when it comes to describing the way I interact with my interests. I'm excitable, I gesticulate wildly, and I try to pull people into conversation because this is something that means a lot to me! And that "something" could be anything from books to politics, from gender issues to dogs. Seriously. I am passionate about many, many things, and I speak with he same vigor across the board. When I care, I care hard. Real hard.

Often, this apathetic approach to life is stereotypical of teenage/20-something behavior, but I've seen adults act in the very same manner. There's not much I can say to adults who chose to be this way; they've made their choice, and I don't get it, but whatever. Live your life and do you. But for teenagers and 20-somethings (like myself), let me make something very clear:

IT IS COOL TO CARE! 

I know it may not always seem that way, especially when you're around that kind of person, but it's important to care anyway! Have principles. Stand up for things you believe in or love, even if it won't win you the popular vote. So what? If you care about it, then it is important, and that's all that matters. Maybe, if you're lucky, your enthusiasm will rub off on those around you.

In this day and age, it's especially important to care about things and have strong convictions. Look at the elections we're going into. Americans always talk about what a privilege voting is, yet we have abysmal voter turn out. Some people, if you try to strike up a conversation about politics, have nothing to contribute. They say something about how the country is going to shit, there's nothing they can do anyway, it's depressing to watch the news, so they don't get involved. NO! SHUT UP! GET INVOLVED! Literally, every vote counts, even if it doesn't feel that way. And our generation can make a difference, if we aren't sitting back apathetically watching the world go by. We have to get engaged in the world for it to change. We have to care.

Next time you find yourself starting to slip into apathy, shake it off. Refocus and ask yourself why this is your natural reaction? Is it something you are genuinely not interested in, or is it just that it is sometimes easier not to engage? Because I won't lie: having strong convictions and passions isn't the easiest thing in the world. It can be exhausting. And there will be those people who shake their head at you for caring so much. I've had it happen to me. People have said, point blank, that the enthusiasm with which I speak about some topics is a turn off. Okay. I'm not here to make you comfortable or happy. I live my life for me, and I want to make a difference, so I'm loud and opinionated. If you have a problem with that, I'm sure you're someone I'd rather not associate with anyway, so let's just go our separate ways. 

Your opinions are important, and nothing that you care about is stupid -- no matter how trivial it seems. I don't care if you're really passionate about the color purple. Shout it from the roof tops! PURPLE ROCKS AND SO DO YOU! Find what you care about, what you think is important and what sets fire to your life (in a good way!) and follow that. Don't let others shake you because they don't feel the same. This is especially important to keep in mind going into the presidential primaries. I know it seems like a circus. I know it's a lot to stay informed about. But try. You won't regret you did, I promise. And there is nothing negative I can ever say about someone who is engaged and informed on the issues that are important to this country. That is an attractive quality.

Passion is fucking awesome. Apathy is hella lame. But hey, that's just my opinion.