There are no circumstances under which I could have ever guess
that I would be where I am today. When I look back on the past year and review
everything that conspired to put me in the place I am now, it’s hard not to believe
that I’m getting help from some hidden hand, pushing me along. I’m not
particularly religious (I would love to believe in a God, but jury’s still out
as I sort through a number of things), and I don’t like to believe that my life
is predetermined and that nothing I do makes a difference in my ending. But I
do think that there’s such a thing as fate—probably many fates—and timing.
Timing is a big one.
A year ago, I was a wholly different person. I’m not going
to say that there weren’t redeeming qualities about the person I was, because
there surely were, but I did not like who I was. A year ago, I was just
surviving. I got through my days with grit teeth and a smile that I was working
really hard to feel as real. I was sad and lonely and anxious. I had a habit of
sabotaging myself, convinced that I should stay where I was in life because it
was safe and steady and any risk I took might be met with failure.
Today, I am happy. I feel safe; for the first time in my
life, I feel quiet and grounded and secure. I am surrounded by purely positive
energy, and I am genuinely supported. There are still times when I feel like a
burden due to my anxiety, but it’s getting better because of that support, and
I’m slowly learning how to ask for help when I truly need it.
Who I am now is someone who is brave, and certain, and
headstrong. I take risks. I say yes to things that I want to do, even if they
scare me. I push myself to open up, to break through the walls I’ve spent
twenty-four years building. I’m learning that I can still be selfless while
remembering I deserve care and attention, too.
I still struggle. Anxiety will always be with me, but I don’t
let it affect me nearly as terribly as it used to. And I’m always trying to
grow more, to be able to put myself more fully in other people’s shoes. I’ve
always been an empathetic person—sometimes to a fault, where I let it affect my
mood, my day—but I’m trying to look beyond the emotion and go deeper. I may not
be able to fix the problem, but I am better able to understand the underlying
issue. It’s opening my eyes to a lot of thing.
And this year, I am loved more than I ever have been in my
life. I know better what gentle means, how powerful acts of service can be. I
value time spent with those I love, and am wholly satisfied to be gifted with
just that: time. I know what it’s like to have someone understand me, to see
the darkness in me and not turn away or shrug it off as a nonissue but instead
grab a flashlight and help me explore it. It’s nice to have someone next to me
who cares enough to ask questions, to know when to push me and when to hold me.
I am very grateful for that, and I am very lucky.
When I look back on my life, I would relive it all again;
good and bad, I will take it all. It’s led me to where I am now, and has pushed
me down the wonderful road of opportunity. I think the hard things I went
through were put before me so that all the goodness I’m about to stumble upon—that
I’m living in now—evens out. Darkness and stars, and all that.
