Emotional range of a teaspoon

Hello, my name is Erica and I like to pretend that everything is a-okay, always. I get all squirrelly when people try to give me an earnest compliment. My ability to laugh off actual problems is unmatched. Minimizing that which is upsetting is second nature. Having serious conversations is difficult for me. I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Here's a secret: I'm actually all mushy inside. I'm a hopeless optimist, even in the face of a bleak pessimistic reality. When I love people, I love them instantly. I love them hard and without exception. It's why I'm ready to go to battle for them at the drop of a hat. If you upset one of the few people I hold close to me, prepare for all hell to break loose.

When I sit and think about how I deal with Things Of Significance (please note the intentional capitalization), I can easily pinpoint the reason I have this strange juxtaposition. My sister's the same way; we grew up this way. We don't want to burden people with our problems -- or even letting anyone know that there is a problem at all -- but we will protect those we love against even the greatest threats in the world. We'll bleed for them, but refuse to accept the fact that we've got wounds that need tending to ourselves. I've talked about this before. My ability to repress my own problems is one of the reasons I can have a panic attack and the person sitting across from me may have no idea. I box it all up and bury it deep. I place it in The Void, as I like to call it.

I have a problem, as I think most people do, of talking myself out of acknowledging that whatever issue I have in the moment is something that deserves to be addressed. I'll tell myself things like "other people have it so much worse." I convince myself that whatever I'm feeling is petty and unimportant and, at its core, selfish because I have a life more privileged than so many others in the world. And while all of this may be true -- people do have it worse than I do, and I do have to recognize the privilege I've seen (of which I am very grateful for) -- it doesn't devalue what I'm going through in the moment. It doesn't take away the anxiety/pain/etc.

Suffering is not a competition. You do not need to have it the most worst to take the time and care for yourself.

Again, like accepting compliments, realizing that I need to sometimes ask for help makes me squirm. I hate it, but I'm working at it. I'm slowly trying to tell those who are important to me more about my life and why I am the way that I am. Not because I have an obligation to tell anyone anything, but because I want to -- because I think that when they know about the things who made me who I am today, they'll understand me better. And while I've always been one to hold people at arms length so they don't really get the chance to understand me too well (because, you know, fear reasons and the whole "emotional range of a teaspoon" thing again), I'm starting to drop my guard.

I use this blog primarily as a way to expel some of the thoughts bouncing around my head. Shake something loose and let something go. Maybe, in the process, I get to know myself better. At the very least, I'm learning to exhale. So, with that in mind, here are two of the small secrets I like to keep to myself because I'm afraid that if I tell people, they'll see me differently. (They'll see me too well.) Deep breath for a moment of vulnerability.

I know why I have panic attacks; my mother gave them to me as a way of remembering her, even after she left, and I can never forgive her for what she's done to me or my family. 

My biggest fear is that another person will find it overly taxing to love me back. I don't want to be seen as "too much work."

Slowly, I'm letting go of my secrets. Even if most of the time when I share them I shrug them off like it's not a big deal, I'm getting a slightly better at it. It feels good in the end, though I'll be honest in saying that in the moment it makes me really nervous. But we can't keep holding on to secrets. Share them with those who love you and they'll understand. Let others in, even if it scares you shitless. Even if you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Zero tolerance policy

Try as I might, all too frequently I allow other people (as well as some events from the past) affect my emotions. It might make me "human," or whatever but damn is it toxic. Handing over my day-to-day wellbeing to outside sources gives others way too much power over my life and I'm putting an end to it. It's time to stop looking back and face fully forward. I've officially adopted a zero tolerance policy for all things negative. That which does not make me feel better, or become a better person, will be dropped so fast it'll make your head spin.

Just the other week, I spent an extended weekend with some of the best people I've ever met. I would, without a doubt, protect each and every one of them from anything that threatens to do them harm in any way. Seriously. They are my favorite humans and the world needs more people like them because they are small spots of pure, golden warmth in a world that often looks cold and gray. For the four days I was with them, I was happy. Really, purely happy. (Sleepy, but happy.) Through late nights, early calls, and long days of filming, I laughed and grew and felt good. Uncertainties were brushed aside and some thoughts I had fluttering around in my head finally calmed down. Things clicked. I was at peace with myself, with whom I was with, and with what I was doing. These feelings came from looking ahead at what could be instead of behind at what was.

The past has a way of dragging me down, big time. It weighs us all down when we dwell in it, and suddenly those old proverbs about "letting go" start to truly resonate. Because the idea of not letting (*insert your deal here*) affect us screams of newfound freedom. Who doesn't want to be free? When I surround myself with people who are good, and when I'm doing something that makes me feel my best self, all the small, petty drama of life falls away. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people who say (with the best of intentions) that the only way you can find happiness/love/whatever you're looking for is if you can first find the happiness/love/whatever within yourself. It would be great if that were the case, but for some people, it's just not possible. I am, however, a firm believer that we should do as little damage to others as we can, with regards to our own baggage. Don't unload your problems onto someone else because they have their own problems to contend with and adding yours to their responsibilities only complicates matters. 

Everyone's shoulders are heavy with the luggage of the past that we're slowly trying to sort through, and we can only carry so much. But maybe we don't have to carry it all ourselves, all of the time. Maybe we can offer to help. When we're strong and doing well and notice someone struggling, maybe we can offer a hand, or an open embrace. Even listening to others -- really listening to them speak and not impatiently waiting for them to be done so you can jump in with your own struggles, like some kind of weird "who has it worse" competition -- makes a world of difference. Don't allow people who won't reach out to help stay in your life; even more, don't allow those who only ask for help without reciprocation to stay in your life. You're tired, too. Don't devalue your exhaustion.

We can find healing in others, as long as we don't grow a dependency. We can fix ourselves by fixing one another. Isn't that what love and friendship is all about?

Be kind, be gentle, and don't let the past decide how happy you will be today. Unapologetically cut those negative people out of your life; they are not worth the energy and you deserve better. Go get better and love those who are worth it.

Looking ahead

New Year's Eve has always been an extremely stressful holiday for me. As if I needed another reason to sit down and overthink what I've done with my life and what I want to do with it in the future. Before I had a handle on my anxiety, I dreaded New Year's. There was an enormous amount of pressure to make the next twelve months of my life something spectacular -- to be more successful and improve my life in some major ways.

In all honesty, New Year's is still stressful. The pressure to be a bigger/better version of myself hasn't dissipated. Now, I just handle it in a more practical, less dramatic way. I think a large reason of my coming to peace with New Year's is that I have a clearer view of what I want my life to look like. I know what I want to do with my life, and I have laid out steps I need to take in order to accomplish these goals.

This year, I can also look back on the Erica from 2014 and see a very obvious "before" and "after" version of myself. 2015 brought along a lot of major changes. In 2016, I think I'll see even more.

Looking ahead into the next year of my life, I know I'll grow to be a better person. I'm using my voice more, and I know what I want to say with it. And, unlike the complicated, often unrealistic New Year's resolutions I normally set for myself, my 2016 resolutions are obtainable, practical, and all about being a healthier, happier me.

My 2016 resolutions

• Eat better. I want to eat healthier food -- food that doesn't necessarily come in a box or a bag. Food that "spoils" because it hasn't been packed with unhealthy preservatives. I want to make plans for dinners, have fuller breakfasts. I want to eat food that's so good I'll become one of those annoying people who Instagram pictures of their meals because wow, avocado and scrambled eggs on toasts looks GOOD with a Valencia filter. Also, maybe every now and then, I'll stop down at my community gym and do a few minutes on the elliptical because I may be thin, but I am not in good shape.
• Compliment people more. I'm getting better at this. Whenever I pass people on the street, I make a conscious decision to smile at all of them (unless the wind is especially nasty that day and distracting me). I'll often think to myself "Man, I love that girl's scarf" or "That guy has a great jacket," but I'll keep the thought to myself. Why? A simple, small compliment can mean the world to someone else. So strangers, friends, family... get ready to feel flattered. I've got some nice things to say about you, and I think you need to hear it. (Because, really. People need to start being actively nicer to one another.)
• Stop apologizing for things I'm not sorry for. I tend to say "yes," "please," and "sorry," a lot. I almost always agree to help someone out with something, even if I don't have the time. Please -- well, I don't want to cut that out of my vocabulary, even if I overuse it. And sorry? God, I apologize for everything. I apologize for bumping into inanimate objects. I apologize for sneezing. I apologize for my feelings or moments of anxiety. I'm through with that. I will never do something to intentionally offend someone, but I need to start retraining myself to accept that my feelings are valid, too, and not everything (or everyone) deserves an apology. This "stop apologizing" thing also applies to me valuing myself more and demanding respect. I want to go after the things I want and do so unapologetically because I deserve to be happy, too.
• Pet all dogs. This one is very specific, but can be pulled back to a more broad resolution of "be happier." I want to indulge in what makes me happy and forget about the rest. I want to laugh and smile and find peace. Petting all dogs is just the perfect metaphor for that feeling, isn't it?

I don't know what 2016 will bring, but I have faith it's going to be something great. We deserve greatness this year, and happiness. Hopefully, we can all start being nicer to one another. I want to be proud of what I will accomplish, and proud of what the person next to me is accomplishing, too. We may all be going at different paces -- what looks like success to me may be completely different than what looks like success to you -- but let's all encourage one another no matter what.

In 2016, I want to share more of myself with others. I want to speak out more about things that are important to me, like mental health awareness, or how I deal with celiac disease, or what it's like figuring out how to feel important in my adult life. I'm practicing better social consciousness and learning more every day. It feels good; I feel good.

What does 2016 have in store for you?

What I talk about when I talk about love

I'm sick of flowery metaphors of butterflies trapped in a stomach, and fuzzy feelings in the brain. I hate the idea of feelings of anxiety and attraction competing for attention. The idea of love being a struggle -- being a constant uphill battle -- is not only exhausting, it's frustrating.

Love doesn't have to be hard. (I'd argue it shouldn't be, but more on that later.) Love should be coming home and feeling at peace. It should be like taking a really deep breath of cool, crisp air. Attraction and affection shouldn't have to be laced with nerves or stress; let's start romanticizing the ease of being with another instead of the challenges we face when we choose to stay with someone else.

To be clear, I'm not here touting some bullshit that relationships don't take work. They do, obviously. But if it becomes a daily thing, a thing that hangs above your head or weighs down your shoulder -- if it becomes more work or brings more turmoil than it does peace or happiness -- then let's reconsider. Is that love? Or is it something else: staying together with someone because a) it's easier to be together than to put an end to things and move on, b) you're in love with the idea of being in love, and even if that means settling for this Sisyphus-esque romance so be it, or c) you're afraid to be alone.

In all honesty, I think one of my greatest fears is being alone. Not necessarily with regard to relationships, but just in general. On nights when I'm up so late that it's ridiculous to call it "night" anymore, I'm worrying about being completely alone. Forever. If my family were gone, if my friends had left, if I had no one but myself, what then? I'm working on that fear, and every day I'm more okay with it. I'm great at being alone, but I still have days where I struggle with loneliness.

But you know what scares me even more than being alone? Seeing those I care for settle for something or someone that is draining them, wearing them down until they become someone I don't recognize anymore. That whole "we accept the love we think we deserve" thing from Perks of Being a Wallflower rings especially true in those moments, and I never know what to do. I hold myself back from overstepping my bounds to shake them out of that stupor of going through their life, day in and day out, thinking they're happy because they're ignoring the little thorns of upset. But those thorns, when you're not paying attention, start to collect. It turns into a bramble and though there may still be a rose in there somewhere...is it worth it?

Love isn't:

• Emotionally exhausting
• Dramatic or selfish
• Isolating
• Compromising yourself for them

Love is:

• Warm comfort and sudden peace
• Support and sacrifice
• Acceptance
• Mutual compromise

I'm done with listening to those poems where fluttery nerves and a nauseated stomach is a sign of love. When you're with the right person, it should feel different. What I talk about when I talk about love is this...

Standing in front of an ocean on an empty beach. The wind is high and the clouds skitter quickly across the sky. The sand is cold under your feet, and as you stare out across the water toward the horizon, the overcast sky starts to appear as if it's a part of the ocean itself. The blues and grays all blur together until the sky is the water and the water is the sky. You feel so small and so big all at once -- important and utterly insignificant. 

Your breath comes easy in the salty air, and when there's someone next to you (to lean on, to take your hand), all of the weight you carry on your shoulder lifts. The buzzing in your head silences. The nerves in your stomach subside. There may be rough waters, but the waves pass, and through it all there's still that undercurrent of peace. You are at home, no matter where you are, and there's so much ahead, but you're not the least bit scared.

What do you talk about when you talk about love?

Photo credit: skyrim

Don't stand still

It's been a while since I've written a new blog post, but I've been incredibly busy and -- in all honesty -- I've also felt a bit uninspired. The stress of life was taking away my energy to think of anything worth saying or doing outside of the whole "surviving" bits of life. It's why I haven't read/finished a book since October. (I know, I know, I'm remedying this problem.) It's also why I haven't truly written anything of substance since the middle of November. It's frustrating to say the least.

But all this pent up creativity has led to some pretty interesting thoughts. I guess you get to observe more when you're just standing by watching life unfold in front of you. So let's not allow my... "time off" ... to go to waste.

One of the most important insights I was slapped in the face with in the past month is this: Don't continue to do something simply because it is easier than to stop doing it. Fear of not having something sometimes stops us from letting go of what is toxic. Or not even necessarily toxic, but just negative. If it's not making you happy, if it's not something that is improving your life, then let it go. And in its place, pull tighter that which makes you smile. Friends, family, books, whatever it is in your life that makes you feel at peace. Hold on to that.

It's something I've seen play out before me. People stay in a relationship that they are unsatisfied or unhappy with because it is easier to continue dating said person instead of letting them go. Letting someone go is hard. I get it -- it's scary to take that chance that by dropping someone, you might not have anyone's hand to hold. But there will always be someone there, even if it's not right away. No one is ever as alone as they believe themselves to be. All we have to do is reach out. Let go of what's behind you so you can move on to what lies ahead.

This realization spreads beyond relationships, of course. I associate it closely to my own anxiety. For the longest time, I was coping with anxiety in the same way. I'd do the same thing over and over again (mainly, removing myself from situations that made me the slightest bit anxious, which led to me isolating myself in damaging ways) and be upset that I wasn't getting better. That, if anything, my anxiety was getting worse instead of better. Well, of fucking course it was. You have to do things that may be uncomfortable to grow. You have to change your habits to become better, change your routine to be happier.

Don't stand still in your life, because that's as good as giving up. Say yes to more things, and focus on the light. You'll notice the darkness fades significantly when you surround yourself with lovely positive people. Hug them close to you and let go of everything else. Make the changes that scare you so you can become the amazing person you are meant to be. I believe in you, and I love you with all of my heart for being so brave.