That would be enough

This week, I've been taking stock of my life, inventorying the things I have, the things I want, the things I need. I'm finding that there are a lot of "haves" and a lot of "wants," with very few "needs" between the two.

A few months back, I wrote all about simplifying things. I got about halfway through that simplification before I got distracted (as I often do in my busy days) and left the job unfinished. As such, I'm still finding that I'm stuck in a lot of mess and mayhem. Being surrounded by things and having things happen to or around me makes me feel very passive, and it's making me anxious. Which is why I've taken active control of things again so I can steer everything back on path.

Part of this inventorying has me literally getting rid of a lot. I'm packing up the clothes I don't wear for donation. I'm taking out the trash and reorganizing what I have and love. Remember, I have multiple existential crises a week about what I'm doing with my life. So, naturally, as I'm sorting through the physical junk in my life, I'm looking at the mental junk too. Metaphorically, I'm doing the same. I'm letting go of events and emotions and the past -- things that have done nothing to help me but only put a hindrance on happiness.

This purge has lifted an invisible weight I didn't realize I'd been carrying for so long. Sorting through things has me realizing the obvious connections between what I want and need that I never noticed before. I want to be happy -- I need to create. I want to have a comfy home -- I need stability. I want to learn and grow and love and live and do a thousand things. I'm tired of letting life flit by without grabbing on, so I'm grabbing on. How do I do that, after so much time?

I just start. I say 'yes' to things again. I work on restoring my energy. I move forward looking for a small, more affordable place I can live and create. I hold my friends and family closer. For me, that would be enough. I don't need a lot of money; I don't need any fame. I need an outlet, and I need to get back to focusing on myself and what I love to do most. The reason I haven't felt right lately is because I let go of writing and creating for so long because I had other responsibilities. I don't want to let it slip anymore, because the longer I leave it, the more off I feel.

I'm finding middle ground in life, and creative ways to make everything work for me. I'm sussing it all out, still, and really the reason this short post sounds so rambling is because I'm not finished untangling everything.

Right now, it feels like a lot of my life is about to happen. There are moments waiting for me in the wings, about to enter. They're just waiting for their cue, and in a few breaths I'll be delivering that fateful line. I can't really, rationally explain the feeling. But just you wait. Someday soon, something great is going to happen.

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