Where I'm going / where I want to be

About twice a week, I have an existential crisis. It's very exhausting and vaguely entertaining in its dramatics as I start to hyper-plan and panic about every aspect of my life. I think about where I'm living, what I'm doing, where I want to go, and what I want to be. Sometimes, it feels like time is running out for me to make some of those monumental life decisions because I keep looking ahead at what could be and man does it seem like the future is much closer than it used to be. In these fits of anxiety, I get struck with a brilliant moment of clarity where I realize that right now counts. This is my life, and I am in the middle of living it. Am I doing it right? Am I doing it well? How can I make the most of it?

I don't have the answers to all of these questions yet; I'm still searching them out. It feels like I change my mind every other day about the direction I see my life going, and part of me is terrified that once I make a decision, it will be unchangeable. I'll be trapped in some version of my life, wishing I had chosen the second option.


One of my biggest fears is losing control over my life. I despise the idea of being stuck, of being unhappy and unable to do anything to change it. It's part of the reason I can be so indecisive at times -- why I have a sort of wanderlust of the mind. I can vividly imagine a dozen different scenarios played out, for better or worse. It makes me scared to move forward at times. I'm fighting that fear every day.

What if I moved to a different state? What if I stayed in Annapolis? What if I wanted to become a teacher? What if I worked in marketing and journalism? One thing I know for certain is that I want to keep the people I love close to me. I want to continue to do what I love: write. I want to create things and be happy and be able to take nice, clean, deep breaths. I want to fall in love every day and be sure of my choices, knowing that if I am unhappy, I can change things. I am never trapped, even if it feels like it sometimes.

When I need to remind myself that nothing is permanent, and that life is whatever I want it to be, I think of one of my close friends from high school. She knew she wasn't as happy as she could be, so she made some changes. Big ones. She moved over 26 hours away from the hometown she grew up in. She left the classes she was taking and the job she was working behind to find what made her happy. Based on what I've heard, she found it. I admire her bravery more than anything. I wonder what my version of bravery will lead me to?

Where I'm going: I don't know yet. I'm still feeling out the multiple paths diverging in my wood. I'm hoping that there will be a time when the path I'm meant to travel becomes more clear. I'll keep watching and planning. Where I want to be: In a place of peace and security, wherever that may be.

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